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Discussing Surrogacy with Children, Family, Friends and Yourself

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An article appeared today in, “Moms'” section:  Explaining Your Surrogacy to Your Children.  The article gives surrogate moms good advice about how to explain to your young children why the baby bump is not going to become a new brother or sister.  But, I think the article is a reminder of how many people around you can be affected by your decision to become a surrogate or to have a child through surrogacy or THINK they are affected by your decision.

Certainly, your children are affected, regardless of whether you are a surrogate or an Intended Parent.  This requires careful thought and strategy for communicating and of course a child’s age and ability to understand will affect your approach.

Other members of your family such as parents and siblings may also require some time to adjust or may not understand why you are making the decision.  You may or may not feel that you need to explain to them why are choosing surrogacy.

Extending beyond family are your friends, coworkers, and neighbors.  Again, you may or may not feel that much explanation is needed.  Sometimes whether we feel the need to explain or not, we are confronted with the questions or differing viewpoints such as:

And perhaps most importantly there is YOU!  The reason that you have chosen surrogacy to build your family is most probably the result of a great deal of soul searching, perhaps after a long journey of infertility treatments; perhaps it is because you are gay or single and feel that surrogacy provides the best opportunity for you; perhaps you tried adoption and it did not work out.

Let’s not forget the discussion between Intended Parents and the surrogate.  The surrogate has children, often school age children who understand that she is pregnant.  This is a discussion that should happen during the match phase.  Intended Parents should ask their Surrogate candidate how she plans to share this with her kids and how she would like her kids to be involved.  It is important that both the Intended Parents and the Surrogate have a clear understanding of the expectations of both sides.  This is an ideal discussion that Intended Parents and the Surrogate can have during their meeting with the psychologist during the matching phase.

Discussing surrogacy with children, family, friends and yourself is a journey in and of itself and the issues that may arise during these discussions can serve as an invaluable guide as you move forward in the process and may help you to understand better how to approach telling your child down the road.





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